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My Hands Hurt

I hate my job. I really really hate it.

I hate that if I do my job correctly, I get yelled at and treated incredibly disrespectfully. I hate that this entire industry feels exploitative and very against many of my personal beliefs. I hate that my job makes me scared to take any medication ever because I see what a shitty job most clinical research doctors do.

I hate that I'm supposed to be the manager of people who are not employed by my same company and who can just turn around and tell me to suck it and treat me like dog shit on a shoe if they don't feel like doing what I ask. I hate that these people are allowed to call me names and throw things in my general direction and have threatening body postures and I just have to grin and bear it.

I hate that someone can practically break the law or do such a shitty job that I have no faith in their data at all, but the sponsors won't close their site down because all that's important is getting patients to enroll in their study so that the FDA can approve their drug faster so that they can make more money quicker than their competitors. I hate that most of the doctors I work with couldn't give a rats ass about these studies and only want to rake in the $30k per patient they make over the course of a study. I hate capitalism. I hate that the doctors make anywhere from 10k to 50k per patient for evaluating couple of study related ECGs and lab results.

I hate that I have to be the representative of my company AND the sponsor company so I have to be pleasant all. the. fucking. time. I hate dressing in 'professional' clothing.

I hate sweating into my 'professional' clothing.

I hate traveling. I hate that all I do all day ever is sit on my ass and get fatter and fatter. I hate not having a life. I hate working from home. I hate that the only people I've met in this stupid state are either my brother's med school cronies or are my therapist. I hate that all the typing and internet using I have to do at work exacerbates my RA so my hands hurt all the goddamn time. I hate that I never get to sleep. I hate that I am never done. I hate that I'm set up to fail. I hate that my sites are set up to fail.

I hate that it's my fault if sites don't enroll or don't do their job correctly but that I have absolutely no power to make these people do their jobs. I hate that my only authority is based on my charm and pleading and begging and cajoling and masked, impotent threats of enrollment holds because sponsors don't back the CRAs up. I hate that I have no idea what I would rather do instead of this horrible, sickening job.

I hate my landlord.

I hate that I hate everything. I hate that I'm upset all the time. I hate that I have no joie de vivre. I hate that I have no hobbies. I hate that even if I did have hobbies, I'm gone so much of the fucking time that I would never get to explore said hobbies. I hate that I want to go back to school but need to fulfill 2-4 more pre-reqs, depending, but I can't fulfill them because I'm gone all the time. I hate that I can't take classes Tues and Thurs, or Mon/Wed/Fri. I hate that I can't take online classes because I have no time for them and because they would just hurt my fucking hands more. I hate that I'm terrified of quitting my job and accepting something at, say, PetSmart because everything seems so impossibly expensive and I need not horrible health insurance.

I hate that on any given week, I fly MSP-ORD-HPN-ATL-RIC-ATL-MSP or MSP-DTW-BDL-ATL-GSO-ATL-MSP. I hate that half the places I travel nowadays are an hour or two car ride away from the closest airport. I hate that I still don't have access to systems I should have had access to in April. I hate that I want to travel and explore the world, but would rather sit at home doing nothing during my vacations because all I do for work is travel. I hate that this job has taken away those parts of me that were adventuresome because it beats me into the ground.

I hate that I hate everything. I hate that I hate everything except my cats because my cats are the only things I have to talk to.

I hate that I'm not happy.

And I really fucking hate this fly that won't stop crawling across my computer screen.


( 9 comments — Leave a comment )
Aug. 23rd, 2011 06:48 am (UTC)
So quit.

Aug. 23rd, 2011 06:52 am (UTC)
I know. I fantasize...I just 'hate that I'm terrified of quitting my job and accepting something at, say, PetSmart because everything seems so impossibly expensive and I need not horrible health insurance'.


How was PetSmart, btw?
Aug. 23rd, 2011 07:12 am (UTC)
The people at Petsmart were fun. The job was absolutely disgusting, but then, I picked one of the grosser jobs available at the place. I wouldn't recommend small animal care, either. Lots of dealing with tiny dead animals who have found interesting ways to kill themselves. Cashier, though...Cashier would be okay.

Try an arts and craft store. More fun. Customers are in a better mood. No wack-a-loons will come protest your business.

Just get a silly little job while you look for another. If you're not too picky, there are many lab jobs out there.

As for health insurance, you may have to buy your own for awhile, but it's not impossible if you budget and save and eat only ramen...
Aug. 23rd, 2011 11:17 am (UTC)
Lets go to Paris.
Aug. 23rd, 2011 02:30 pm (UTC)
I hate Paris.

Actually, I don't...never been. Just keepin w/ the theme.
Aug. 23rd, 2011 05:41 pm (UTC)
Come on I'm being serious! Maybe you can't get enough time off.. How about a weekend in Vegas?
Aug. 23rd, 2011 06:19 pm (UTC)
Haha, sorry. I didn't know you were being serious. I DO need a vacation. I do not, however, have any vacay time. I'm taking a day of unpaid leave to go to my friend's wedding this weekend.

Thanks for the thought :) Are you still in San Fran?
Aug. 23rd, 2011 07:05 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I am. How about a weekend trip? Do you get weekends off? ;)
Apr. 24th, 2012 06:16 am (UTC)
Hey...what's your email address? Or some way I could actually reach you IRL? erinleigh.naylor@gmail.com is me.
( 9 comments — Leave a comment )


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