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I am the one who remembers everything about everything--including what you were wearing the first time we met--but who is so absent-minded I misplace keys and cell phone on a daily basis.

I am the one with the pale blue eyes rimmed in a dark blue. They are the two who sparkle in the sun and illuminate my smile. They are the two who give away my secrets. When I'm sad, they cloud like the sky.

I am the one who opens impossible jars, unties the most impressive knots with strong, long-fingered surgeon's hands. I am the one who keeps their secrets. I tell no one, but will now tell you--they are the two who are slowly being destroyed by my own body. Rheumatoid Arthritis.

I am the one who has forgotten how to speak Spanish. I am the one who has almost forgotten how to speak German, and who loves hearing others speak Finnish. I am the one who loves Finland for its trees and its greenness and its cold, snowy, clouded skies.

I am the one whose rental car tire blew out on the freeway tonight. Blew out with such epic force that the rubber separated from the rim and marked the side of the car with black streaks from the flapping rubber. I am the one who sat on the side of the freeway (and later a gas station after Highway Patrol put on the spare) for almost three hours waiting for a replacement car so I could drive to Virginia.

I am the one who hates her job. Hates travelingtravelingtravelingtraveling. Hates flying to 6 different states in one week. Hates the withering disrespect from the doctors. Hates caring when no one else seems to feels the same. I am the one who loves sitting in the window seats. Loves watching the ground fall away. Loves the shrinking of the world. Loves watching the clouds get closer as we race up to meet the sky.

I am the one who was a college athlete---goalie, water polo. The one who blocked 27 penalty shots in 3 years. I am the one who was envied. For my arms, my legs, my back. For my strength. I am the one who always thought I was fat. The one who never saw my own beauty. I am the one who eats her feelings, eats her job, eats the planes, the flights, the long hours, the stress. The one who eats the doctors who yell at me. I am the one who gained 100 pounds. I am the one I disappoint.

I am the one who stands in fields and watches the world rewind itself. Watches power lines evaporate, buildings deconstruct in stop motion, roads fragment into dirt. Sees the blueness of the sky explode from behind the choking smog. Sees the prairie grass again grow so high I can barely see over it. Watches the world below the grassy canopy erupt with bugs and spiders, and grouse and mice, and tiny flowers and spindles of life. Feels the wild wind capture strands of my hair and fling them from my face. Feels the earth rumble as the bison gallop and stampede in ever swelling numbers, their massive heads and powerful necks surging forward on skinny legs, and their tiny hooves cleave the ground, and trample me to dust.

I am the one who floats in the wind, back to the sky.


( 36 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 15th, 2011 07:35 am (UTC)
This is beautiful. I love the imagery, and the details. :)
Nov. 17th, 2011 05:19 am (UTC)
Thank you, I appreciate the comments.
Nov. 17th, 2011 06:41 am (UTC)
You're welcome. :)
Nov. 15th, 2011 09:40 am (UTC)
very poignant. and very beautiful.
Nov. 17th, 2011 05:20 am (UTC)
thank you. it was a little cathartic to write.
(Deleted comment)
Nov. 17th, 2011 05:20 am (UTC)
It was a surprisingly therapeutic writing experience. Thanks for reading.
Nov. 15th, 2011 08:39 pm (UTC)
It sounds like you've done many things in your life; I love seeing how people's experiences make them who they are.
Nov. 17th, 2011 05:21 am (UTC)
That's one of the things I'm appreciating about the LJ Idol experience, especially this topic in particular.
Nov. 15th, 2011 09:43 pm (UTC)
Beautiful. "I am the one" is the beginning of every statement used when reading soul collage cards. Enjoyed the way you used it here.
Nov. 17th, 2011 05:24 am (UTC)
I had to look up soul collage cards, what a cool idea. I did find writing this to be helpful and interesting. I might have to make some soul collage cards for me!
Nov. 15th, 2011 10:15 pm (UTC)
Really lovely.
Nov. 17th, 2011 05:25 am (UTC)
thank you for reading!
Nov. 15th, 2011 11:01 pm (UTC)
really lovely writing and images you've given us here.
Nov. 17th, 2011 05:26 am (UTC)
Thank you very much, I appreciate the thoughts :)
Nov. 16th, 2011 02:49 am (UTC)
I sense some ambiguity but the piece is lovely.
Nov. 17th, 2011 05:26 am (UTC)
haha, I am the one who is often ambiguous ;)
Nov. 16th, 2011 04:06 am (UTC)
Very nice. I can relate to some of those.... as I also misplace things but can remember silly details about others. My brother unfortunately has your luck with rentals. He had a flat tire this week and they were stuck at Disney until the middle of the night (which wouldn't be so bad if they were open) and the time before he had his broken into and his laptop stolen ;-(
Nov. 17th, 2011 05:28 am (UTC)
OH NO!! Your poor brother! Travel nightmare stories are no fun. In fact, I'm getting a little travel-PTSD from your blurb about your bro. Hope his luck changes.
Nov. 16th, 2011 04:11 am (UTC)
Very lovely. Well done!
Nov. 17th, 2011 05:29 am (UTC)
Thank you :)
Nov. 16th, 2011 04:48 am (UTC)
Oh, this is beautiful. I love the repetition of "I am," it builds up throughout the story so well. Good work. =)
Nov. 17th, 2011 05:29 am (UTC)
I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for commenting.
Nov. 16th, 2011 01:09 pm (UTC)
I really like this entry :)
Nov. 17th, 2011 05:30 am (UTC)
Thank you. I'm super flattered you linked my entry!!
Nov. 16th, 2011 02:02 pm (UTC)
Such evocative images tying together all the aspects of the identity you build up for us here. I love it.
Nov. 16th, 2011 08:22 pm (UTC)
I enjoyed this, so many different world views.

"I am the one who stands in fields and watches the world rewind itself."

Beautiful ending.

Nov. 17th, 2011 05:34 am (UTC)
Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it! I actually think that paragraph tells the most about me. I always find myself standing places and wondering what that exact spot was like 1000 yrs ago.
Nov. 17th, 2011 12:22 am (UTC)
Beautifully written... And I love how you tell us so much about you in one entry. Well done!
Nov. 17th, 2011 05:35 am (UTC)
I'm glad you liked it! Thanks for reading and commenting :)
Nov. 17th, 2011 03:55 pm (UTC)
beautiful and telling.
Nov. 17th, 2011 07:14 pm (UTC)
:) thankyou for reading and commenting!
Nov. 17th, 2011 07:03 pm (UTC)
Love the details about Finland - you've chosen some really nice images throughout.
Nov. 17th, 2011 07:14 pm (UTC)
:) Thanks. If Finland were a man, I would be constantly thinking inappropriate thing about him. And then I'd marry him
Nov. 17th, 2011 10:15 pm (UTC)
Laughing again - priceless :)
Nov. 18th, 2011 02:17 am (UTC)
Beautifully written!
Nov. 27th, 2011 12:26 am (UTC)
You are the one who wrote a lovely post.
( 36 comments — Leave a comment )