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I've been trying to post for three days

But alas, words, they have failed me. Lots of thoughts about stuff, so I suppose I should start with THE JOB.

I interviewed. I thought it went well. But they decided I didn't check all their boxes and didn't have enough experience. Really, that's a ton of bull because I actually had MORE experience than some of the people I interviewed with, and sometimes it's more important to give jobs to a person who has less experience because they are enthused to be doing new and different work. But I'm not too broken up about it though. My PXL job is really great (and I haven't had to travel yet, wtf!!), I enjoy the people I work with, and frankly, I love working from home. So all I have really suffered is a bruised ego.

Aside from the job, I've decided the best thing I can do for myself is run a Marathon. Dub-Tee-Eff, self, you don't even like running. But I love sports and teams and competition, and I really haven't found an adequate water polo substitute in any the years that I've searched. Hopefully their will be enough community and competition in this masochistic endeavor to keep me going. If all two of you who will read this post between now and October 2 want to donate to my efforts (cuz I have to raise money in order to be a part of the team), you can click this here link. If not, I still love ya, no worries.

And more importantly, this marathon thing will hopefully help me meet people. Seriously, I am one cat away from being that lady on the Simpsons. I even talk and flail like her now (not quite). But I'm sick of only hanging out with myself. Or having to drive almost two hours to hang out with my brother and my friend Sara. That's too far.

Plus, I need some guy friends. People who I can be totally crude with. I miss being totally gross in company (ex: farting contest with Nick, Nick, and John). I mean, I can do that with Stephen, but we have to burp at each other via Skype, plus I can't be AS crude as I want to because not only is he my ex-boyfriend, but he's pretty much a girl. I'm more dude than he. But it seems like unless you already have guy friends from before, I'm at that age where my motives are questioned. Because everyone wants to get married and have babies, right? Um. No. But in all honestly, that's where a lot of people are in their life. It's about that time.

And it makes me cautious. First of all there's the whole making friends in the first place part. That's hard enough as is. Now try narrowing that down to a specific group. Like friends with blonde hair. Or friends with degrees in Linguistics. Guy friends...well there's lots to contend with even after you find potential pals. Territorial girlfriends, perpetually single guys who think you want to bone (score!) or marry them (bummer!), single guys who are aching for a relationship, parents who think because you make mention of a man-sounding name are convinced you're seconds away from marriage and puppies and then hound you about it when it doesn't happen. And then how to neutrally break ice?

Actually a few weeks ago Sara hosted a game night and I met my name twin, Aaron. He turned out to be a music twin. And a having stupid fun twin. But far over the creep line would I have crossed if I had pulled his email from Sara's game night invite and then emailed him and been like *sniffle sniffle push up glasses* Wanna be friends *shuffle feet*




OH MY GOD REDWINGS!!!!! HELL TO THE FUCK YEA!



Speaking of the Redwings. I know I just moved to Minnesota. But a huge part of me is now wishing I'd moved back to Michigan. In fact, I've even found my dream home in my ideal location (right on Lake Michigan in view of Big Mac?? How perf!). But the house is the size of Rhode Island, which I don't need and couldn't maintain all by my lonesome. Although, I suppose I could turn the excess rooms in to pussy heaven, but that might be crossing a line that can't be uncrossed. Besides, I've become totally obsessed with tiny homes. Tiny homes on lots of scenic land, away from most people. Think Ted Kaczynski without the whole terrorism/Unibomber part. And maybe with indoor plumbing. I dunno.

I mean, I'd love to own a home. I could build an outdoor cat run! But at my price range it seems pretty pointless. Everything is old and falling apart. Facelifts don't change infrastructure. I'd also be tied down to one place. And as a fickle commitment-phobe, I'm not sure I could settle down in one place long enough to justify a house-house. But how would I work from home in this or this? This is more feasible, but again with the stuck-in-one-place part.

Plus. I think about Finland. Or Sweden. Or Germany. Or Finland. And all the other places I want to live. Snow and darkness make me salivate (and those hot Finns). I feel like I have all these hopes built up inside, but I have no idea how to make any of them happen. I don't want to get to be old and wonder why I never did any of this. But now I have my cats to think of too.


I need to stop writing now. This entry is entirely too long. If you are still reading, wow.

Of Course Life Works Out Like This

So...that job. You know, the one I was really excited about? With 40% international travel, the ability to assist with budgeting and site payments and contract agreements. The chance to draft clinical documents, like ICFs and protocols. The opportunity to act as a project lead on a global product. Seriously, a once in a lifetime opportunity...

...well I applied last October. A recruiter contacted me towards the end of January, said I was in the second round of resumes. Then, before the phone screen, the recruiter told me the company was pursuing a 'known entity' which usually means someone within the company has recommended that person and about 9 out of 10 times that person is a shoe-in.

And afterwards I heard nothing from them. So I assumed the 'known entity' was hired.

And I kept looking, and accepted the Parexel job, and quit my job, and managed to get myself a week off in between. Which is this week. This glorious week of awesomeness and nothingness that I am enjoying more than anything I have enjoyed in the recent past.



Then yesterday morning my phone rang. Usually I don't answer numbers that appear on my Caller ID as "Unknown" but this time I did. At it was the recruiter! Apparently there was a personality conflict and the 'entity' didn't have the right type of experience. They asked if I was still interested.

And yes I am! How can I NOT pursue this job?!?! Opportunities like this are few and far between. For the rest of my career, I would hope and dream for a job like this and never find it. So I have to pursue it. I can't not know, I can't not try.

What followed was a whirlwind of calls. Recruiter Mike called me to verify my interest. Recruiter Mike called them to verify their interest. Recruiter Mike followed up with me to confirm a phone screen time, and set up an appointment to 'coach and provide interview tips'. Recruiter Jonathan calls me and asks if he can call my references. I call my references to tell them to expect a call. Recruiter Mike calls me for the 'coaching session', which was helpful but also bizarre. Recruiter Jonathan called my references. One responded (Stephen), and he called me to tell me how it went. And tomorrow at 930, the Hiring Manager and HR Someone-or-another will call me.

I know there is nothing wrong with interviewing and testing the waters. I know that Upsher never has to know about Parexel, and vice versa. I know I can not accept the job, with Parexel none the wiser. I know I can also accept the job and quit Parexel prematurely. It is, after all, just business and happens more frequently than one might imagine. But even so, I have spots of doubt.

What if quitting prematurely gives me a bad reputation (I quit Cardinal Health right out of college, before I even had my first day, because I got an offer with Genentech for like 2/3 larger salary, plus I DID NOT want to move back to San Diego)? What if the switch is awful and I hate the Upsher job? What if I like it TOO much and abandon all my future plans of becoming a dairy vet and spend my days with my hands up cow asses? What if I like it TOO much for just long enough for me to get too old to go back to school, and just long enough to HATE IT? What if I end of hating the international travel, even though I have been aching to do more international travel? What if I'm horrible at the job?

What if I'm too fat to fit into my suits and have to go and buy ANOTHER one? Or what if they think I just look sloppy and unprofessional?

And why, oh why, am I even worried about this now?!?! I haven't even had a phone screen yet! Talk about jumping to conclusions! I should just be focused on nailing it tomorrow. Meaning I should get some sleep NOW!

Can I admit

*LE SIGH*

I mean...can I admit to not really knowing what I was doing between, probably, age 18 through um...present day? I mean, do other people fake it? Like totally and completely fake almost every interaction that they have?

Like right now...I feel totally and completely normal. But the only other time in recent-ish memory that I've felt this way, as in normal, was my first senior year in college. As in 2004. And before that? I don't know, maybe never? Except elementary school...?

Right now I can actually think of stuff I want to do. Totally bizarre. Usually things 'to do' are an obligation, a complete chore. But I actually want to do stuff--like find a shooting range and learn about guns (WTF??), do stuff on the hotel treadmill/elliptical, not sit inside all day, plan camping trips to take with my pretend friends, think of ways to cut my hair??? I mean, for serious, are these things that normal people do and think??? Do normal people get bored with sitting around, doing nothing and think of stuff to do for fun? This is an abnormal set of circumstances for me.


I sit here and think, "what will I do tomorrow", when usually sleeping and watching tv are adequate. Maybe I will do something totally weird, like test drive a new car, or go to an open house or eight in my neighborhood. Or attempt to run around the lake. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I couldn't even make it 1/6th of the way around, but holy fuck I actually want to try.

Is this what being not depressed is all about? This shit rules!

The sucky part about being fat

Other than not being able to fit into clothes, fatness sucks because it has made my breasts huge. Like super huge. So they flop over and stick to my chest and then I get nasty zits and blackheads underneath my boobies and my bra pokes into my arms in a really uncomfortable way.

I didn't get the job I really wanted. Instead I got another job...and a 19% raise. Whoo! But I'm really not expecting things to be any different. At least it will be a brief reprieve.

I felt bad turning in my notice today though. I really like some of the people I work with, even if I have been jerked around by *The Company*...my mom was encouraging me to blow off PPD and only give a week's notice, or just walk out one day and never come back. But that's just not a good idea in my opinion. I'm not *that* at them and I genuinely know how much it sucks for someone to dump their unfinished shit all over you. And like I said, I love my study team and I wouldn't want to do that to anyone. The hardest one to tell was my IPF manager. She's totally awesome. I would work for her any day. Her awesomeness just wasn't good enough to over come my three year, abusive relationship that I've had with this company.

But I am going back and forth between extremes. Extremely happy to guilt-ridden to thinking this is the worst decision I've made to realizing how lucky I am to have gotten a 19% raise to panicking that I'm horrible at my job. I even managed to convince myself that my Prxl job didn't actually exist and as soon as I turned in my resignation, they would pull the rug out from underneath me and be like "PSYCH!!!! NOW YOU DON'T HAVE A JOB". Thanks, anxiety, I needed that added stress.

I just wish I knew what I was interested in...what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. Learn Finnish and German...both helpful when job searching...


I need friends. How do you make friends when you just moved to a new state where you know anyone, work from home, and spend more than 70% of your time out of state? This is what I want to know.

Also. I wish I could sleep in tomorrow. That would rule. But I can't.

Posting from 37,000 ft

Been awhile since I posted. Right now I'm flying from Las Vegas to Detroit and on to Syracuse, NY. Long week to say the least. I am really sick of PPD. I feel used and betrayed and misled. It's very disappointing.

Used because I am almost not allowed to say no. Hence the reason I'm flyin from one end of the country to the next and only have a total of 4 days in the office per month.

Betrayed and misled because they have stopped reimbursing for home office expenses despite promising said items for people who relocated with the CRA Relocation Program. Instead they have supplied us with a Blackberry and expect us to tether, or pay for our own Internet. It's really frustrating to be funding part of your company's operating costs. Really dumb too. Plus I'm exhausted. I get no support. I fly from Mminneapolis to Arizona and Florida, the West and South regions, respectively. I was led to believe I would have mostly Central travel if I moved here, but that has yet to happen.

And most of all I'm sick of having no opportunity to advance my skills. I keep getting passed up for promotions because other people have been here longer. Not that they are doing a better job, that they are 'owed' something because they put in the time. Plus there will be no changes for me in the remote future. There are Sr CRAs who have been with the company for 7-8 years who still have the same fundamental role as I do. I can't invest that amount of time to become a Sr CRA if I'm still doing CRA I work. I need a challenge, I need to use my brain. I need to be home often enough to see my kitties and make friends and hang out with my family. I'm never home. I am NEVER home.

I was contacted by a recruiter for what is essentially the best job opportunity someone like me could get. Had I the chance to write my perfect job description, this would be it. 40% national and international travel, draft protocols and study documents, act as the main point of contact for budgets and protocols, over see a global Phase III clinical trial, select and mentor CROs. Oh my god. I would kill for this job. I would make ritual sacrifices to the god of CRA job opportunities were there such a thing. Virgins to Odin, babies to Freya, chaos to Loki, power to Thor! This is what I want. This is what my soul needs. It is what my intellect yearns for!

And it's a great company. Great company.

But my resume is in the second round of resumes. Meaning a group of candidates has already been brought forth. Will be interviewing soon. And I can't help but assume their qualifications match or are greater than mine. And the recruiter has not had feedback from the client about my resume yet. I just hope they don't select someone from this first round of interviews. All I need is the chance to speak with them. Wow them with my enthusiasm and knowledge, and near super-powers of interviewing skills. I want this job so badly I could die. The opportunity to work on a global trial and mentor CRAs in Australia or Russia or maybe my new favorite place on earth, Finland.

So I pray to the Universe and throw all my positivity (of which there is little to spare these days) to the wind, hoping to at least get the chance to interview. That's all I ask for...

******

I'm on the plane and my two neighbors are snoring up a storm. I've come to realize that I'm attracted to some really strange things in men. Cross-eyes and permanently scratchy voice? I'm there! A little bit too hairy in the neck/shoulder region? Hubba hubba! Red-headed with a purple face? Yes please!

********

Please Universe...please

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Fed Ex Can Go to Hell

TUESDAY

I drive up 3rd street on my way home. I usually pause at the intersection of 3rd and Olympic to see if there are any parking spaces in front of my building on either side of the road. But on Tuesday I couldn't spy down the road in my usual manner because there was a FedEx truck blocking my line of sight.

Grumbling to myself, I drove up one block, found a spot almost immediately, and parked. I walked back to my apartment only to find a "We tried delivering a package" slip from FedEx stuck to my door.

Oh, the irony.

I call FedEx to see if I could quickly have the driver make a U-turn and deliver the package again:

No, sorry, this is a residential delivery. They will attempt tomorrow around the same time and you can leave the signed tag at your door instructing the driver to leave the package.
Really? Same time? Are you sure?
The drivers are really good about sticking to the same delivery schedule, so I feel comfortable telling you it will be delivered around the same time tomorrow
Okay, thank you!

Level of annoyance = virtually none


WEDNESDAY

I leave work early so as to be at home around the same time as the projected FedEx delivery. I get to my house at 3, only to find the package was delivered at 1pm.

Sigh...but okay, that happens. I did think I had a good chance of intercepting the package deliverer, but I also had been surprised on Tuesday by the tele-lady's confidence that the package would be delivered at a similar time.

Level of annoyance = virutally none

I hang the "Please Leave the Package at the Door" part of the slip and stick it to my door.


TODAY

Stephen and I leave early to watch the Dexter season opener on my DVR and to catch up on some episodes of HIMYM (How I Met Your Mother). As we are pulling up to my apartment around 130pm, I see a Fed Ex truck down the road, headed my direction. I say That's my FedEx guy and Stephen drops me off on the corner so that I am at home to get my package.

I decide not to chance a skipped delivery and wait outside. The FexEx driver passes my house...but he is on the street perpendicular to mine...no big deal.

Stephen drives by a few times searching for a parking spot. I am still waiting outside for FedEx.

I see the FedEx driver on my street, a block away, dropping off another package. He jumps in his truck and heads my way.

And passes my house, disappearing over the hill three blocks away. WTF?

I wait outside until Stephen comes and we go into the house. Now, the layout of my neighborhood dictates that for said FedEx guy to deliver my package to my house, he will have to pass by all the windows of my tiny studio apartment. Thus, I open my curtains and position myself on my bed, which looks out all four windows. I make sure my phone is rightnexttome because my doorbell is hooked up to my phone. Also...my studio is the apartment immediately to the left of the main door. I know everyone who knocks that door, passes through that door, is buzzed in, or who uses the call box.

All set, we flip on Dexter and wait. 2pm. I check outside. No package. No FedEx. 3pm. I check outside. No package. No FedEx. 4pm. No package. No FedEx. I finally call FedEx.

We attempted delivery on your package on Thursday, September 30th at 2:53 pm
Um...no you didn't. No you definately did not!
The driver has tracked the package at that time as 'No one home. Apartment not suitable for drop off'
Um. No. No FedEx guy came to my apartment. He delivered a package at my neighbor's house a block up. And then he drove past my house and never showed up again.
No, he tried delivering at 2:53
No, he didn't! I was here looking out my window the whole time. He came to my neighborhood and drove past my house!
Well he tried and no one was home
Um. If he tried how come my door bell never rang? How come I never saw him outside my apartment? My apartment windows look directly at the street and at the apartment door. I have been home all afternoon specifically waiting for the package. No one came to the door. MY FRIEND was here with me the whole time and he agrees that no one came to my door. If the driver tried, how come another package delivery slip wasn't left? How come the package wasn't left at the door? I signed a form saying packages could be left at my door.
Ma'am, he attempted the final pacakage delivery at 2:53pm. You can pick the package up tomorrow in Kent. It is our not in our policy to make a fourth attempt
Kent is over a half hour drive and why should I have to pick it up if the third attempt was never actually ever made?? Is it your policy not to ring a door bell? Or knock on a door? Or ignore a request for a package to be left? No one came!! No attempt was made!!
The attempt was made at...
AUGH NO IT FUCKING WASN'T!

Yea...it really went downhill from there. I think I used the words "Fuck" and nearly called "Kent", "Cunt". Because they won't make a fourth attempt, or leave the package, or deliver it to a different location. I'm the receiver, not the shipper so I apparently have no power. But fucking hell I am so fucking pissed! It is a bold face lie that a delivery attempt was made. That FedEx driver is lying, plugging false information into his little tracker so that he can go smoke a bowl or whatever. There is absolutely no chance in hell that he tried. No chance in hell.

Now I get to drive my ass to FUCKING KENT tomorrow morning. On top of all the shit I need to do to get my ass moved to Minneapolis.

But yea, FedEx can suck my huge hanging cock because that fucking driver is a liar.

Turning Point?

I find that I can't sleep. I Tylenol PMed myself tonight, but I think I have too much systemic Rockstar for the Tylenol to really be effective. Plus, there is too much going on. Too much that doesn't yet seem real.

I am moving to Minneapolis, MN next week.

Everything seems surreal. Actually, not so much surreal as something that still seems so far into the future. I am transferring with my current job to a home-based regional position. Friday is my last day working from the Seattle office. Tuesday the movers come. Wednesday I'm on my way. I feel nothing right now. Despite every thing I have planned and arranged and canceled and modified the past few months and weeks, it still has not sunk in that Yes, this is really happening. I don't know what it is, but it just doesn't seem real.

Plus, I'm nervous about the move. I feel like I should be doing something right now. Something that will prepare me for my venture. I can't set aside non-mover items until Monday. I can't pack my work office until Friday. I can't start driving until Wednesday.

I would write more...except I think the Tylenol is kicking in....zzzzz....
Maybe my goddamn answer to your stupid question should have been Yes. Yes, I am fucking five years old

Disappointments

I had two internships pre-college and I worked during my last three years of college. Sometimes I almost feel like these jobs ruined me for all my future jobs. Why? My bosses loved me. I was a resource for other people, my ideas were valued and my suggestions were taken seriously. I was allowed to train people because I did such a great job. People I trained trusted me and I trained some really great people to follow in my path of awesomeness. I was allowed to manage other people. I was valued by my peers, people thought I was smart and engaging. They thought I was a hard worker. And I was. And I am. But fuck. Post college I have not had any sort of comparable experience. In fact, I have felt completely remedial at all of my other jobs following.

Now I get to watch other people be the amazing worker. I get to watch their ideas and trainings and hard work get valued while I am the shit others wipe off the bottom of their shoe with a snarl.

I think back to BCPO Ferm and how everyone had a total boner for Jared. No one else could come close to Mr Perfection. Then I was relegated to the cell culture room. Not only did it have significantly less work than the bacterial side of the ops, but I was told "No, I don't want you learning the Bact side of things. I want you to be our cell culture expert" by my boss. So I stayed in that room with nothing to do. And all my cowokers got pissed at me and said I didn't do any work. And that I was lazy and how they did all the work. Especially stupid David Grey. So I quit. And transferred.

To BA. Where my boss pretty much made me feel like a stupid asshole every day. I site this entry and this entry as evidence of a 'day in the life of Erin' during my year and a half in BA.

Now this job. God, I'm so sick of everything. I hate that as a CRA-I, I was given way too many sites, way too many sites that were high enrolling, and way too many problem sites. I don't even know how I succeeded. I was completely set up to fail and managed to pull through. But of course, no one recognizes the actual struggle and no one has really reflected on HOW FUCKING FAR I have come as a monitor. No one else in their first year as a CRA caught a site falsifying data. No one else had a PI who didn't look at his adverse events and who didn't submit a Serious Adverse Event to the sponsor. No one else was called a bitch by 5 of her sites because she actually made them to their jobs properly. No one else had a Doctor, his Study Coordinator, and some fucking secretary bitch named Maricore write letters about how unprofessional, bitchy, and stupid I was. All because I made him do his job and his stupid study coordinator was a shady bastard.

But because of that stupid doctor, and the doctor who tattle-told on me for being a bitch because I caught his study coordinator falsifying data, and because all my San Diego sites requested my removal from their sites I was totally blackballed. Plus with all the shit going on, there was no way for me to keep up on my work. So I had the not best metrics. And I was passed up for a promotion in favor of Barbara (we were hired at the same time, went to the same training class, put on the same project under the same boss), who is a much poorer monitor than I am. I have been doing Senior CRA work for the past year now. But I am still doing remedial tasks. I have no other responsibilities. My brain has no challenges to keep it engaged.

So I finally thought, I should stop sitting back and I should take my career into my own hands like Kelly (current golden child) does. So I put in to be transferred to a Medical Writing position. And didn't get it. Then I put in to transfer to the Central Region to be closer to family. And I haven't heard hide nor hair about that opportunity.

So I asked my manager if I could be a mentor for the CRA-I onboarding program. I argued that I went through so much as CRA-I that I could be a really useful resource. I also told her that I did significant training at my other jobs.

But there is a waiting list to become a mentor.

So I asked about becoming signed off on AFVs...and that program is on hold, so again no. I was told I could be a CASCADE buddy, which was the one thing I did not want to do. Now I feel forced into being a CASCADE buddy because it's the ONLY option for me to advance beyond my current role. But I don't want to do it.

Then I told her I felt I was doing work at the level of a Senior CRA and that at the next promotion period I thought I could make a compelling arguement for getting a promotion.

And she fucking told me this (she was more smooth than what I list here, but this was the basic message):
1) There are people who have been Senior CRAs for 5 years and haven't been promoted so they are first in line for promotions (regardless of their actual ability)
2) She would like to see prove that I can maintain my current ability...as if I haven't been doing that for the past year
3) My generation is all about checking the box and just because I can 'check the box' next to all the traits and expectations of a Senior CRA doesn't mean I am one
4) She would never ask her boss for a promotion and thinks it's 'funny' my generation will ask
5) I shouldn't focus so much on the title because I will be getting opportunities to have more responsibilities and more Lead CRA type rolls.....so basically more will be expected of me and I will have more to be accountable for with greater amount of work and increased expecations without a commensurate job title or monetary compensation
6) I shouldn't feel badly because she won't be getting a promotion for awhile either...as if I care about that.


I was pissed and offended. And I am getting more and more pissed and offended about it. If Barbara gets a promotion this time around, I swear I will go over to her fucking desk and take a shit right on her keyboard.

And I don't even know what I would do next if I did get a new job. I've been the remedial, 'special' employee ever since I graduated and can't figure out how to climb out of the shit heap I have fallen into with every employer. Now I don't even know if I am a good hard worker like I used to be because I have no positive feedback. I am stuck. I've tried getting other jobs but am terrified they will turn into the same deal. Or that I will STILL be traveling goddamn 80% of the time. Or they don't want me because they can't EXACTLY cram my experience into the incredibly narrow restrictions they have put into the job description.

And I don't want to work on my resume again. Or cover letter again. Or interview again. Or go through training again. Or have to prove myself again. Quite obviously I have to if I'm ever going to escape this stupid job.

OH AND! It is highly likely that I have Rheumatoid Arthritis. And maybe some back arthritis. How awesome is that??

I Do, in fact, Know What's Wrong

I finally decided upon a hobby. Because of my job, in which I travel on average 80% of my work days, I end up reading a lot. And what better way to celebrate books and reading than by blogging about the books I've read. I you have any interest in my book blog feel free to click that link.

I feel a general malaise with life. I feel robotic; I can't really find it in my heart to be excited about anything. Nothing thrills or entices. Everything is flat. I actively think about things I could do to change my complacency with my own life, but I can't find it in me to put forth an effort. It feels kind of like agoraphobia. But agoraphobia of my life.

Blahblahblahblah.

Since January I've flown 20,000 actual miles...it's an additional 15,000 if you add bonus miles. I hate my project. I can't even pretend to give a shit about it anymore. My sponsor is a piece of shit. If it weren't so callous, I would say I actually know what slavery felt like. If the earth opened up and swallowed my sponsor whole, I would strip down and run naked through the streets in ecstatic celebration.

I can't even tell you if I like my actual job, Clinical Research Associate, because of the shit of my sponsor and my nearly incompetant study management team gets in the way. I can't tell if there is gold under this gigantic Triceratops shit heap, or just more shit.

I also am inconsolably confused about dumping Stephen. And then getting re-dumped my him without ever getting back together. We've hung out as friends a couple of times. I think I might need to stop doing that...the last time we hung out, I inexplicabley burst into tears...So, yes, it probably would be best for me to forget about hanging out with him.

Except he's the one person in this state who really knows me. Everyone else feels like a mere acquaintence. He feels like a friend. And the type of friend were one raised eyebrow can tell more in the raising of than I could convey to another person in a hour. He's still the person I think of doing things with. I still find myself making plans of places we can visit together or things we can do together in the future before I realize "Oh, that's right. We broke up."

I still find it weird to call him my exboyfriend.

This weekend, tomorrow, he's throwing a party. Mostly people from work are coming. He wants to explain his absence. Explain that he went to alcohol treatment and etcetera. Plus, his brother is in town and he wants his brother to meet his work friends and vice versatile. But fuck...how weird to meet your exboyfriend's brother for the first time after you broke up with his brother, and then his brother re-broke up with you.

And everyone from work will be around. And you know they will be watching me and him and us to see how we are together now that we are broken up. And his best friend and her husband will be there. And while her and I had good rapport, and even though he and she remain friends despite breaking off their 4 year relationship 16 years ago, I'm still nervous about seeing her again in this context.

I wonder how many people will trepedatiously ask me how things are or how I am doing, thick with undertones and unvoiced questions of Stephen and my break up. And I wonder how many people will just come straight out and ask me directly about the break up and how I am holding up with the whole party/brother/breakup thing.

I feel lost.

I think about career changes I could make. Most of the stuff that interests me, ie medical writing or clinical project management or clinical study management, either require an advanced degree or more years of experience or are the type of jobs you need experience to be hired for but can't get experience without being hired. And I know for a fact that I don't really want to go back to school. The only things I see myself going back to school for are argueably useless degrees, or degrees that are so not related to any of those careers moves.

Plus I'm so fickle, who's to say I wouldn't change my mind in two years anyways?

Blah.

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